Mac and Cheese (with cut up hot dogs)
by SomewhereBeyondReality
Summary: "I told you already. He's not the love of my life anymore." Set after TOW the Proposal, Monica realizes how deep her fiance's insecurities about Richard run and is determined to clear things up.


**Title:** Macaroni and Cheese (with cut up hot dogs)  
 **Author** : SomewhereBeyondReality  
 **Rating** : K  
 **Summary:** _"I told you already. He's not the love of my life anymore." "But you did think about him. You went to his apartment, you talked to him. You at least considered..."_ Set after TOW the Proposal, Monica realizes how deep her fiancée's insecurities about Richard run and is determined to clear some things up. Hurt!Chandler and Comforting!Monica.  
 **Disclaimer:** Not mine.  
 **A/N:** *An undead fanfic writer rises from the grave* Richard's relationship with Monica – especially his role in TOW the Proposal – and how it's this continual source of tension for Chandler has always been super interesting to me. Despite Monica making it clear multiple times that she loves Chandler more, Chandler still carries these lingering insecurities and fears that he's just Monica's second choice throughout the series. Although Monica going to Richard when she thought Chandler didn't want to marry her kind of got glossed over with the big proposal it basically opened up Chandler's worst fears about being a consolation prize and never got any follow up. I don't necessarily hate the Richard plot/triangle but I wish there was more justification for Monica visiting Richard instead of talking to Chandler about his sudden anti-marriage feelings. And I struggle to believe that Chandler – insecure at the best of times – immediately recovered from thinking his girlfriend/fiancée was going back to her "perfect" ex. This fic addresses that and explains Monica's perspective on Chandler vs. Richard and _why_ she went to Richard in that episode. Title will make sense at the end.

X-X

That night, after everyone had finally headed home, Monica at last let herself relax in her fiancé's arms.

Chandler was spooning her, lacing their fingers together across her stomach and resting his cheek against her hair. Monica smiled at the gesture, elation coursing through her body.

This was peace, she realized. _This_ was happiness in its purest form. His arms were all the happiness she'd ever need.

But as Monica closed her eyes – drifting into an equally blissful sleep – she felt Chandler shudder against her back, swallowing down what sounded like tears. She jerked awake, eyes springing open.

"Chandler?" She whispered. "Honey, are you ok?"

She felt her fiancé stiffen and clear his throat, choking a little. "I – I'm fine Mon. Go back to sleep."

Monica flicked on the bedside light and propped herself up to look at him. There were tear tracks on his cheeks and her heart clenched. "I wasn't asleep to begin with – what's wrong?"

Chandler closed his eyes, clearly trying to regain control of himself. Monica restrained herself from hurrying him and after a moment he exhaled and met her gaze. "I – I thought you left Mon."

"What? I'm right here – _oh._ "

Her surprise. Joey lying to him. Richard.

 _Oh._

"I'm so sorry." She whispered, guilt curling in her stomach. "I – I shouldn't have told Joey to say that. You'd just worked so hard to surprise me and be romantic, I wanted to –"

Chandler kissed her quickly, cutting off her babbling. "I know." He said. "And it wasn't your fault, it was mine. I shouldn't have started that stupid plan; it was too risky. I just – I thought I lost you."

"You didn't." She promised fiercely. "You never will."

"But it was Richard Mon _._ " He said hollowly. " _Richard_."

Monica knew Chandler had issues with Richard beyond the normal discomfort with ex-boyfriends. She hadn't realized how bad things were until their first anniversary when Chandler admitted he still thought Richard was the love of her life. Back then she'd been stunned that – even with his insecurities – Chandler could believe something so crazy. She thought she's reassured him and over the last year his confidence had sky rocketed, but this whole mess was sending him spiralling backwards. She had to fix this.

"I told you before," she said quietly. "He's not the love of my life anymore. _You_ are."

"But you did think about him." He pointed out. "About going back. You went to his apartment, you talked to him. You at least considered..."

"Chandler, stop." She whispered, unable to stand the terror in his eyes. "Do you know _why_ I went to Richard's?"

"Because he's a big tree?"

"No. Because I imagined life without _you_. I imagined you not wanting to get married and us breaking up and being alone again. And I couldn't deal with that. I thought that if that _did_ happen I'd at least have Richard. He'd never match up but he'd be something to help me recover from losing you. Because – because if I had to live without you I – I – don't…I couldn't…" Her voice cracked and she realized she was crying. God, she needed to get it together.

Instantly Chandler pulled her to him, burying his face in the crook of her neck, whispering " _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,"_ over and over into her skin.

"No." Monica mumbled into his shoulder. " _I'm_ sorry. I was being stupid. I realized that even before Joey told me your plan. I realized it while I was sitting there with Richard. I was stupid to think I could love anyone but you now."

He laughed shakily, his hands trembling as he caressed her hair. "You don't mean that Mon. If we did break up you'd be ok. You and Richard would be happy together, I mean, it's _Richard_."

"Stop saying that."

"It's true. If – if you had chosen Richard, you'd still have been fine. _More_ than fine. He's the perfect guy, not many people would blame you for choosing him over a screw up like me."

"You're not a screw up."

"Uh huh, sure. I can't even propose right, I'm a wreck even talking about your exes, I nearly destroyed the best relationship I ever had in order to play mind games. Sometimes I think –" Chandler cut off, dropping his head.

"Sometimes what?" She asked, cupping his face in her hands and tilting his gaze towards her – Chandler stared back at her, eyes shining more brightly than they should have been.

"Sometimes I wonder why you're even with me. Why you're dating me, _engaged_ to me when you could do so much better."

"What? Chandler, _no one_ is better for me than you."

He snorted and shrugged her away, the gesture making Monica's gut clench even tighter. "Come on Mon at least be honest, we both know you're the one who settled here. You could have got any guy you wanted instead of sticking with me."

Monica snorted. "Any guy I wanted? Honey, I think you're getting away with yourself here. You do remember that a total of two other guys have actually wanted me for stuff _beyond_ sex?"

"That's not true."

"Yeah it is. There was Pete, who cared about me but still saw me as a challenge and moved onto the next one after he won me. And before that there was Richard who was over two decades older, divorced and my parent's best friend. I'm not exactly poster child for functional relationships. And don't you think _I_ get insecure? That I worry some girl will see how amazing and sweet and funny and considerate you are, and I'll lose you?"

"Um, Mon you realize I'm _Chandle_ r right? Chandler-Relationship-Screw-Up-Bing?"

"We both know that's bull. Yes, you used struggled with commitment but you've got past that. You can handle a relationship. So what if you get sick of me?" Monica demanded, surprised at how upset she was suddenly felt. "What if you find some other woman who won't get controlling and obsessive and nag you about using a coaster and choose _her_ instead?"

Chandler only stared at her, eyes crinkling in confusion. "But Mon... why would I want that? I have _you_."

Monica smiled tremulously, willing herself to calm down. "So why would I want Richard?" She countered, hoping that would be enough to convince him.

Chandler only frowned.

"You don't _now._ But you did once. And you only broke up because of the kids issue. Not because he didn't want you anymore – like my exes – or because you didn't love each other. One obstacle got in the way, and now he's willing to remove that. And if you loved him then, what's to say you couldn't love him again?"

Monica sighed, concerned at her usually intelligent and easy-going fiancée's obstinacy. "Yes I lovedhim. Lov _ed_ Chandler. Past tense. Sweetie you realize we were only together four months? If that. That's shorter than our secret relationship! And yes Richard was great and we were serious enough to talk about marriage. And maybe the question of children hadn't got in the way then we might have made the distance. But still – four months isn't that long, we don't know what would have happened. We hadn't dated long enough to really bug each other yet. And I think it's easy to look back at it as an amazing relationship because we only got the happy, beginning parts."

"Whereas we've got the arguing over the toilet seat down to a fine art."

"Well if you would just –" She began, then stopped herself. "Actually yes we have. We do that. We argue over the toilet seat and what movie to watch and who's doing to shopping and hogging the covers...and it's still the happiest relationship I've ever had. Chandler we're doing the boring, domestic stuff and _I'm still crazy about you._ I never got to that point with Richard. If I had, who knows how it would have turned out or how happy I'd have been."

She hoped that point would convince him, but Chandler still looked unconvinced, rubbing the back of his neck and darting his gaze around the room.

"It still took you six months to get over him." He pointed out. "And – as _you've_ said before – 'It was hardest thing you ever had todo _'_."

"It was, but do you know _why_ it was the hardest thing I ever had to do?"

"Because he's –"

"Because _we've_ never broken up. Chandler, if we broke up, it would blow me and Richard out of the water."

"That's what I thought happened today."

"So did I."

They both sighed shakily, and Chandler drew her to his chest, clinging tightly. Monica closed her eyes, struggling not to let any tears escape. They rocked back and forward for a while, breathing each other in.

Monica wished they could stay there in silence, just holding together for the rest of the night. But these worries Chandler had been carrying around for so long were scaring the hell out of her. She had to make him understand.

"Chandler." She said gently, pulling away. "You need to get over this – this – _thing_ about Richard. I don't want him anymore and it scares me you still think I do."

"Well it's kind of intimidating when your girlfriend – fiancée's – ex is the epitome of perfection."

"He's not perfect."

"Really? He's rich, he's mature, he's an eye doctor, he can grow a moustache, he whips out meaningful quotes over dinner... How can any guy – least of all me – compete with that?"

"Chandler..." Monica framed his face with her hands. "I chose _you_. I've always chosen you. When will you realize that?"

"When I understand _why_." He said with the self-deprecating air she loves and hates. She exhaled, rubbing her forehead.

"Look," She said struggling to get her thoughts in order. To her, it was simple. There were a hundred reasons she'd choose Chandler over Richard time and time again, a hundred reasons she loved him more than any of her exes. But she wasn't as good with words as Chandler was, especially since he seemed determined to believe the worst about her feelings. "Just because Richard was "perfect" doesn't mean he's perfect for me."

"Mon, I think you of all people should know the definition of perfect."

"No, it's more complicated than that." She insisted. "Yeah Richard ticked all the boxes in some ways. All the ways _you_ think are important but there was still something missing."

"Like what? What was wrong with him?"

"He was too..." She paused. "Put together. Stable. Confident."

"And that was all a problem because...?"

"Because I felt I had to live up to him." Monica said simply. "I was always scared I'd freak him out by being too neurotic and weird and _not_ together. I was never totally comfortable with him. I loved him but I wonder if part of my attraction was validation that such an amazing, sophisticated guy could like me. But that also meant I was terrified of doing the wrong thing and so I never properly opened up to him. Yes, he saw me vulnerable a few times and dealt with some of my weird quirks, but he never saw the whole me. Just the in control, put-together Monica I projected. Even while we were dating you saw more of my insecurities than he did."

There was a pause as Chandler digested her words, fiddling with the duvet cover. "Really?" He asked hesitantly. "You're not just saying that?"

"Of course not.And that would have become a problem after a while, because I couldn't have kept that up forever. But with you it's different. I know your insecurities and you know mine, I'm not afraid to open up and let you see the worst parts of myself because I _know_ you'll accept them. You understand me and my issues and vulnerabilities and scars more than Richard ever did. I can be myself with you, not trying to be anything else. And I never had that with him."

"I – I never knew that." Chandler said quietly, tracing patterns across the duvet.

"And him being 'perfect' had other downsides as well." Monica continued, her thoughts flowing out more easily now. "I think that every relationship needs balance. Both people need to have something to contribute right?"

"Right." He nodded immediately, they'd discussed this in the past.

"And I never had that with him." Monica admitted, settling with her back against the headboard. After a second, Chandler joined her, tentatively settling alongside as if wanting to be close but was scared that she'd jerk away. Monica immediately laced their hands together, encouraged by the gesture. "There was nothing I could bring to the table. Sure, he took care of me, calmed me down when I got too intense, was sensitive to my insecurities. But..." She shrugged her shoulders. "I couldn't do anything for him, I wasn't needed in the relationship and I like feeling needed."

Chandler smirked at that and she rolled her eyes. "Oh you know what I mean – I'm used to encouraging you guys when things get tough but he was so confident that he didn't need any support. And what use is my super drive and focus if he already had his life sorted? I couldn't even dish out any good advice because he was too independent. About the only thing I was useful for was an ego boost because I was young and hot….and that just makes me feel like a trophy wife and I would have been a terrible trophy wife, he should have gone for Rachel if he –"

"Uh, Mon? Focus please."

"Sorry. But with us…" She twisted her head to look at him, smiling. "We complement each other. You calm me when I get intense, help my insecurities and relax me when I get too uptight. No – don't say anything, you know how much you help me. But more than that – _you_ need _me_ as well. I know you get insecure and I encourage you with that, I helped you through your weird commitment stuff and – truthfully babe – I've made you mature a bit."

"Yes Mon, I know you're amazing."

"But that's my point." She said, finally feeling she was getting somewhere. "I _wasn't_ amazing with Richard. He had no gaps or flaws, so what was there for me to fill?" Chandler's lips quirked and she smacked his shoulder. "Don't make this dirty Chandler!"

"I don't need to! You did that all on your own."

She rolled her eyes and snuggled into her fiancée's shoulder. "Ok, I've got a different analogy. Your favourite meal is Macaroni and Cheese with cut up hotdogs right?"

"Yeah….?"

"And you can go out to the fanciest restaurant and order the fanciest, best rated food in the world, but you'll still prefer macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs right?"

"Honey, I'm not sure where you're going with this."

"What I'm saying." Monica said, rolling over to look him in the eye. "Is that you're my Macaroni and Cheese. Richard can be the best, fine-dining steak ever but that doesn't mean he's my favourite meal or what I eat on a bad day or give my kids when they're growing up. He tastes good but he's not the one meal I'd choose to eat every week for my whole life. That's you. I don't care about your flaws because they fit mine. You know I've got a truckload of issues and accept me anyway. And the same goes for how I feel about you." She touched his face gently, guiding him to meet her eyes. "Do you get it now?"

Chandler gazed back at her, gnawing at his lip. Monica smoothed her fingers over his mouth, running her thumb along the raw skin. "Chandler? Please."

He stared at her for another moment before his eyes finally softened. The tension seemed to seep from his body, something calm and accepting settling across his shoulders and he nodded shakily.

"I think so." He said and Monica knew it was a start. "But…you know I'll always be uncomfortable around him right? There's always going to be a nagging fear there."

"That's fine." She said. "After all this, I wouldn't expect you to be comfortable. But if he does bug you, talk to me! Or remember everything I've just said, because all of its true. He may be perfect but _you're_ perfect for me. Ok?"

"Okay." Chandler's blue eyes glowed, and despite the lingering insecurity in his gaze Monica knew she'd got through to him.

"I love you." She whispered.

Her fiancée leaned over to kiss her and pressed his forehead against hers. "I love you too. In case you needed to check."

"I had a suspicion."

Chandler chuckled and pulled them down onto the pillow, curling his arm around her. Monica turned off the lamp and burrowed against his side, burying her head in his chest and felt the perfect, tranquil peace of earlier settle over her.

As they were drifting off to sleep again, she had to check once more, muffling her words against his t-shirt. "You're really, really ok?"

He kissed her hair gently and pulled her in even closer. "I'm perfect. I'm your macaroni and cheese."

X-X

 **A/N:** Thoughts? If anyone's interested Chandler actually mentions that mac and cheese with cut up hot dogs are one of his favourite meals in S6.


End file.
